


I left her behind

by Redbourn



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25644820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redbourn/pseuds/Redbourn
Summary: What exactly influence Kanan to go back to Ba'al's planet to attempt a rescue of the woman he loved.
Relationships: Kanan/Shallan (Stargate), Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	I left her behind

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing a fanfic so go easy on me. I just couldn't get this scenario out of my head so i decided to give it a shot.  
> What's with jack and blue eyed blonds anyways 😁
> 
> I don't own anything and all mistakes are my own.

Colonel O'Neill/ Kanan - Ba'al's secret outpost

"I'm sorry Colonel O'Neill. I am have tried my best." That is the first thing he hears in his mind when he is on all four, pain surging through his body as he struggles to breath through a burning sensation in his throat. It reminded of the moonshine he tried on abidos but way worse. Disoriented by the darkness and the unfamiliar surroundings, he hears the distinct noise of Jaffas running towards him as he collapses face down on the muddy ground. 

Kanan (several months ago) - Ba'al's secret outpost

This mission is a highly risky one. My goal is to pose as a minor goa'uld under Ba'al and find out all i can about his weapons technology and gravity field generator he has been working on in this fortress for months. I have to find a way to sneak around without making myself suspicious. And i think i just found a way. 

Colonel O'Neill (roughly a weeks ago) - Antarctica

Colonel Jack O'Neill lays on his death bed due to an ancient plague looking up into the eyes of his 2IC. He is in a lot of pain and it is taking everything in him to listen to what she is saying. She says "sir please" begging him to blend with a tokra to save his life. Those blue eyes pleading with him with words that are always kept unspoken. Apparently, there is a Tok'ra symbiote who is in need of a host with vital information to relay to the Tok'ra. He knows he is on the verge of death caused by a damn ancient plague. His gut tells him blending with a Tok'ra, even if it's for a short while, is a very bad idea. Those snakes, even though they are supposedly the good guys, give him a vibe that they shouldn't be trusted. What choice does he have though? He survived and made it out of hell and here he is about to be defeated by a virus. He is tired and he just wants to sleep but her eyes are begging him to let them snake him. He knows he can't leave her. Who is gonna watch her six if he is gone? He can't trust anyone else but himself and the guys to take care of her. To make sure she doesn't work herself to death. Who is gonna make her smile with stupid jokes only he comes up with? He has to do it. For her and for himself as well. If his reward is to look after her for a little longer, then there is no debate. And if his luck somehow turns around and they finally get the chance to have a future together, he has to survive this. He has to live for that slim chance of having something with her one day. He gives her a nod and it's settled. 

Kanan (roughly a week ago) - Tok'ra base

One of the things the Tok'ra has gotten used to is outliving our host and blending with a new to go on to the next mission. Solely focused on the war against the goa'uld and nothing else. Granted there is more to us than just the war but anything and everything always comes down to just that, the war. And here i am blending with a new host ready to continue my missions. As i situate myself in this new host, i see i have a lot to repair before waking him up. He must have been very close to death because it is taking me a lot of time to get rid of the virus that is attacking his brain. He is unconscious at the moment and will stay like that until i finish mending him. It seems like his body has seen a lot of battle because i feel there is more to fix than just the virus. 

My healing takes time so i decided to make myself comfortable and take a pick at who this person is. It usually helps the host to adjust to their new reality when the symbiote knows a bit about them before waking them up. I helped myself to search his mind. This man is a Tau'ri warrior, a good one too. O'Neill is his name, Colonel O'Neill. I see quick flashes of his life and the battles he fought. How a mission that has gone wrong left him behind enemy line. Left behind to go through a hell that is as bad as Netu. How he had gone through that hell and back, survived for the once waiting for him at home. I saw a blue eyed lady with sandy hair waiting for him as he ran towards her and ingulf her in a big hug smiling ear to ear. And i see a little boy running out of the house behind them and joining the hug. I feel his strong sense of duty and loyalty to the once he holds dear. After all what he had seen and experienced, he manages to make it look easy so as to not burden the once he loves. I saw a man who lost everything in one unfaithful day. A man who lost the will to live. But throught it all, he was still here surrounded by people who would willingly give their lives for his. Daniel, a man that is his complete opposite. Passionate, thoughtful and always the voice of reason for the team. A geek and the Abydonians that forced him to accept that his life is still worth living. Teal'c, a Jaffa that had become an ally and a true brother in arms. A Jaffa that defied his god and stood for the freedom of his people. Carter, a fierce warrior just like him with intelligence beyond any Tau'ri. A soldier loyal to the Air Force but also willing to go the extra mile to do the right thing. A woman that is selfless and has a lot of love to give. Many more memories kept coming that defined the man I'm going to meet soon. 

I wondered what put him in the place he is in right now. How he became willing to be a host to me. I started searching. I see those blue eyes again full of concern but guarded not to show too much emotion. But they are not the same eyes. These were bluer somehow and the hair more fairer. It's Carter. She is talking about the Tok'ra and I'm guessing the blending. She made a valid point, him being blended with a Tok'ra temporarily works for both sides. I'll be able to pass the valuable information and he will be cured of the disease. I feel what he was feeling inside. He was struggling to agree with the blending. I get the feeling he doesn't like the Tok'ra much but he didn't have a choice. He has to live. I kept coming to his thoughts of her and how he kept saying he can't leave her. Who was this woman to him? Of course she is his 2IC to the Colonel O'Neill but who is she to the man, Jack O'Neill? The way she spoke with him was very professional unlike the other blue eyed lady. This one, Carter, her eyes are guarded, not betraying any emotion. I feel compelled to find out more. I keep seeing one memory after the other. Her infectious smile, her quick wit just like his host's but hers rarely seen, her intelligent eyes that sparkles with excitement over new experiences and discoveries. She is beautiful and humble, maybe even unaware of the power she has over men. Is she his mate? With that though came a memory that has been suppressed, squashed and has been hidden, pushed way back in a box and locked away for years.

I know a goa'uld ship and a force field when i see one. He is on one side and her on the other, trapped. I feel his desperation as he hit the wall to get to the panel. She keeps calling out and says "sir there is no time" and he ignores her voice that sounded defeated. To add to their already impossible situation, they hear steps of jaffas approaching from her side. She shouts" Just Go!" And he loses it. Yelling back "NO!" fighting off the urge to say more. He knows there is no way out for her but he stays and pours all his love into one look and he sees it being reflected back from her eyes. It shokes him to the core when he realizes how much he loves her. I became a witness to not just their love but also to their loyalty and bravery facing death.

After all these years of constant fighting and endless missions, I've somehow lost the feeling of complete devotion for another. And that's when it hits me. Another blue set of eyes, short fair hair like Carter's. This one from my own memory. My beloved Shallan. It has taken all of my discipline as a Tok'ra to not take her with me back to the base. She was a personal slave to Ba'al and it would have been very risky to try to sneak her out of that fortress. After all, what would a minor goa'uld want with his master's Lotar. At first, all my intention was to use her to gain access to Ba'als private quarters where he keeps his documents of high value. The more we got closer over time the harder it was to accept the inevitable end. I didn't want to admit it but i was falling in love. I buried all my feelings just like Colonel O'Neill did after the za'tarc testing and focused on completing my mission. When the time came, i left without looking back. I left her there like she was nothing to me. It dawned on me that i left her behind. The woman i love. How wrong i was to think the mission came first than the people that matter to you. How blind i was to think what i did was right. What have i done? The image of Carter and Shallan kept coming haunting me. One pleading with me to leave her behind, the other begging me to save her. One helpless behind a force field and the other defencless against a goa'uld who is ruthless as them all. How would i face my host knowing what i did? How would i justify leaving an ally just because it was inconvenient? How could i have been so cruel? I have to go back for her. I have to make this right before i let Colonel O'Neill wake up. From what i saw, he is a selfless man who would risk everything to save an innocent. He would agree with my decision to go back for her. I don't know how would i live with myself if i don't try. I have learnt what it is to be honorable through the memories of Colonel O'Neill and i will do my best to be as honorable. No one gets left behind! 

No one sees me when i slip out and rush to the gate. I'm coming my love. I hope you will forgive me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and feel free to let me know your thoughts.


End file.
